Recent Thoughts

                I am not sure what I want to do with my life at this point… I am a little disoriented. I know that I want to go to college, mainly because I know that I don’t want to be a factory worker. But I am not sure if I can succeed in Rolla or not. And I am not sure whether or not I even want to be an engineer. Maybe I just want to be a music instructor or something like that… what would be wrong with that? I am a little torn on this subject because I want to be an engineer if I can do it. But I am concerned that it will be too much for me and that I won’t be able to do the work. This kind of concern is fairly normal in people I think but I am just leery about going so far into debt just out of curiosity… it is stressful to think about. I am trying not to think about it but it is kind of what my life is about right now. There isn’t anything going on that really matters… besides music of course. That is one way that I am keeping myself calm. I am diving into the entertainment section whenever I get home. I watch movies, play guitar, listen to music, get on the computer, and play video games… anything that is not school work or college focused. I am so tired of working so hard for something that I am not even sure is for me. And it is such bullshit because the only way to know is to go and try it but that puts my happy ass twenty thousand dollars in debt and I am not thrilled about that idea. This will be an interesting following year… I am completely oblivious to what will happen. I have guesses but nothing that is solid, I could go to MST and love everything about but not meet the academics well enough and transfer somewhere else. I might go up there and work really hard and get through work but be miserable and do something else. Then there is my least favorite one, I could go up there stick it out for a few years and manage to get through it well enough and find out that I hate it but am too far in to go back and then proceed to hate my life from there on. Or I might just go up there, love the environment, work hard, get decent grades, and live an okay life. It is so weird to think about… what if I don’t like it and I can’t pay off my fucking loans? Then what? Oh well, maybe I am stressing too much about this but all I know is that I am going to college to get a job that I DON’T hate… so I hope I like it well enough… I don’t want my life to be about money in anyway…

(forever alone face)

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Alrighty then, today has been pretty good so far. I got to sleep in this morning until about ten O’clock before I went to school. The formal reason that I was not a school was because I had a “dentist appointment” but really I just stayed up too late talking with my dad about how many movies Samuel L. Jackson is in. Seriously, that guy is in everything! I looked it up on the internet and, including TV series’ he has been in 139 motion pictures. That is insane, we looked at some other actors and only one came close, Robert Duvall. So yeah that is pretty crazy, but I stayed up until almost five in the morning talking about that. So my dad didn’t want me to drive super tired so he let me sleep in a little bit. It is cool I haven’t been late all that much to school so It should be good.

                I have made a decision today; I am going to drop my speech class… I don’t want to but I don’t really have a choice in the matter. I didn’t get my last speech done because it was assigned during spring break and I didn’t have a camera to film it with. There was also suppose to be a mid-term due that week that was worht jsut as much as a speech so i fucked this all pretty hard. I also haven’t been getting my scholarships done… my “to do” list has kind of gone to shit and I am afraid that the wind is picking up and getting ready to turn it into a shit storm. This is not going the way that it should… I am not a good planner to start with but I thought that maybe I could kind of bullshit my way through this but I don’t know about it. This is so weird for me to not be doing well in school, it is my own fault but I am just so fucking tired of it. I don’t want to be here or learn any of this. I don’t really care anymore. It is getting to be a little too much. I should have just done a simple senior year and not done anything difficult because I am pretty much miserable right now… maybe I shouldn’t go to Rolla next year, maybe I  should go to OTC for a little bit to figure myself out a little bit. I hate to do that but it might be the right thing to do… I don’t know if I want to be an engineer or not… FUCK……… i know that i want to study music but that doesn't exactly pay the bills and I don't want to be a freaking band teacher... maybe I could be a guitar intructer or something. I guess that I will figure it out but i hate to start out with a lot of debt that doesn't add up to anything useful.

C'mon spring break.... c'mon...

Anyone else out there counting the days until spring break? Well I am… I am getting rather anxious for it. I am ready for a break in this monotonous school year. It will be nice to get away from the routine of things. The routine that I have going makes everyday just sort of blend together. That is good and bad, it is bad in the way that it makes me lose track of time, but good in the same way because it makes things go by faster. So I guess it isn’t that bad at all. But it does seem like forever ago that I was playing football with my friends in the summer, although I can still feel that sick feeling I was experiencing at the time too. So I don’t miss that as much as some people. But, back to what I was saying… this spring break should be fairly entertaining. I will get to hang out with some of my friends and make some memories. I hope that I can make the best of this spring break… not like I have done with the others.

Those pretty much just consisted of me sitting in my room playing video games, or inviting friends over to… play video games. So obviously there wasn’t much going on in my life at the time. Knowing me though, this spring break won’t be much different. I will probably lift more than I did last time because my friend Jimmy said he would be there, so I won’t get use to not driving 30 miles one way everyday… oh well, why stop now? Umm, except for Friday and maybe one other day during spring break mine will probably be fairly uneventful but enjoyable, so I can’t complain. More importantly, after spring break there will only be like 7 weeks left of school… which will be sweet. It will be interesting to not be in high school anymore… hmm, but I have talked about that enough on here right? Right. Thank you me, I knew you would understand. Yeah I got your back man. Alright then, when I start talking to myself is probably a good time to stop… I will see you people later and stuff…

IDK WHAT TO PUT HERE!!!

sorry bout that...

Alright, well I don’t have much to talk about this time. I am not really upset about anything and don’t have a rant. It has actually been a good day so far. I had a good breakfast and I am going to be able to see my friend Nick up in Rolla on Friday which should be a damn good time. I am also going to hang out with some friends on May 11, if at all possible and that should also be a good time. I will tell you about both of them when I get the chance to. So I was pretty sure that I wasn’t going to be able to go to Rolla for this thing because I didn’t thing that my dad would be so keen on the idea of me going up to a fraternity to stay the night but luckily he said I could. Me and my brother will head up there and hang with nick and meet the people in the fraternity, which will be cool. Hmm, this is a boring post… eh, what do you do?

There hasn’t been much going on lately here. Uhh… spring break is coming up which is cool… I’m gonna stop now because I feel like someone is reading this right now over my shoulder… bye guys

WOW… that was short and unsatisfying … eh, not the first time

(dirty look from across the room)

                Oh… yeah… politics… (Sigh) alright lets go. Well I have been hearing a lot of shit from people lately and I am sick of it. Everyone is basing how they will vote in the next election on utter bullshit. “Well Romney is really rich so I don’t want to vote for him, it is like he isn’t even on our level…” of course he isn’t, no politician is on our level; are you fucking serious? You think that people of power really care about the people that are below them? Nah, this is how I see it, people get to be rich by using three different strategies, be the first in something, be smarter than your competition, or the crowd pleaser and most used… cheat. When someone wants to get involved in politics and actually get somewhere they sign a contract with themselves that requires them to become a human steam roller that will occasionally spit out big ol’ pieces of shit for the public to eat up. None of them are on our level, they are still people but they as a whole is just as inhuman as any group of conscious beings are. When people get power, they don’t want to lose it and they aren’t going to bother with something if it threatens them or doesn’t benefit them. This is not just a rant on Romney, I don’t know anything about that guy, he could be a great guy but frankly I don’t want another republican and I will probably vote for Obama just out of spite… also because I don’t give a shit about all that. But then let’s turn to everyone else, people say that, “Obama doesn’t know what he’s doin” and I’m like, “how the fuck do you know?” I don’t know either but I think that he hasn’t done something blatantly wrong so to hell with it, that is good enough for me. The people don’t know what they want out of a president because they don’t want anything out of them. They want there to be a benevolent dictator in power but trust me that is going to happen. They want someone to make all the right decisions and have nothing slow him down or get in his way. Well that’s not how it works folks; I also regret to tell you that the tooth fairy is not real. Oh well, I guess this is a fairly recycled subject, I mean, of course people are stupid… but why does it have to be that way? Why can’t people get their shit together and just do their fucking jobs? Everyone has a job to do in one way or another, the government needs to do whatever is best for the country and the people need to stay informed and support the right things. But everyone on a basic level is out for themselves and their own so it doesn’t really matter.  Oh and then there are the people who don’t vote or pay their taxes and then they want to talk at me about politics and I’m looking at them like “shut your fucking mouth you god damn pot head” mainly because fuck them… yeah that’s it, I have had it with people lately, I don’t want to hear anyone’s shit if they are worthless in my eyes.

                Other than that, I have been getting some hate for my comments on people lately. Stuff like, “stop eves dropping” and then I’m like “well stop talking so fucking loud” then they say, “you are just being a dick” then of course I just think to myself, “it is a good thing that there are laws against what I want to do to you…” I just hate taking criticism from fucking pot heads who are children of hard drug addicts and are bound to be worthless people the rest of their lives… it is good that I am moving 175 miles away, because this is getting to be too much for me…

FTW!!! (That DOESN’T mean “For the Win” you new age, competitive, ass-fuck gamers…)

You Know...

                (Here we go again)… hello adoring public, how is everyone holding up? Good? That’s what I thought… well I don’t have a lot to say today. I would like to mention something… would you call taking four dual credit classes, trigonometry, and an anatomy class and getting good grades in those classes would constitute as trying? I mean I would but maybe I am wrong. It is just that school has gotten me a little stressed with all the shit that I have to do so I have been trying not to overload myself with shit at home too but whatever. I guess it isn’t a big deal I just didn’t like the phrasing of it. I didn’t like being told that I wasn’t trying hard enough. Also, I am not going to be able to play at a show in May… which I might do anyways… mainly because I need something that isn’t fucking annoying. I want to do something that doesn’t make me feel awkward or mediocre. It would be nice to be the center of attention for a while…

                Well, today I have not done much. I have done most of my speech and history so far so I am justified in blogging this hour. (Or at least I do not feel about it). Right now I am listening to Pumped up Kicks… it is a depressing song but it is pretty good. If anything it is catchy, but I kinda feel like it is hipster music and that makes me a little uncomfortable. Oh well… I like it. It’s not often that you hear a song that is from the crazy person’s point of view so I guess I better jump on it.

                I am surprised that this blogging thing has turned into such a thing for me, before I started doing this I thought that is was stupid. But now that I am doing it I kind of like it, it lets me vent on paper a little bit. It is not good for me to keep all this shit inside all of the time (or so I’m told), but no one wants to hear it so I will just put it on here and if people read it that is cool, if not that is cool too because I don’t really care. I just want to say what is on my mind before I explode on someone who probably doesn’t deserve it. I also need to lift some weights that normally helps with the stress level problem that I am experiencing. I haven’t got a chance to lift lately because it wasn’t open yesterday and I am the baseball manager (for shits and giggles) so I can’t quite go whenever I want to anymore. I have a couple days that I can and I need to lift on those days because I need to burn some of this off. (Fat and stress). Yeah, I don’t want to get fat either… that wouldn’t be cool.

FUCK IT 

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Hello everyone, don’t you just love history? It is so fascinating, until of course you realize that you are just reading the same story over and over because people are ultimately incapable of true learning once they have made up their mind. And I believe that goes for everyone, if you have decided to do something then it is almost impossible to sway a person otherwise, unless of course they are gaining something by letting go of that one thing. I don’t know where I am going with this… history class gets me in a sort of rant mood. Mainly because through this class I can see that more people than I thought have the whole “fuck it” motto rolling; people in power especially. It is just kind of sad, and annoying. People say that it is not their problem but to some extent it is… I mean when you get right down to it people are responsible for themselves but sometimes it would be nice if they didn’t have to fight to get what they needed.

How come it is that congress gets to fuck people over and say it is for the well being of the people? Well, thank you for asking, it is simply because people don’t get to power without being a dick to people and being a user. Then once they get to power they don’t change their habits. (Why stop now? The ride is almost over). While I’m on that subject… there is no “changing people”. I know that people can alter their behaviors some but there is no actual change of emotion taking place. If a person wants to be trash then they will. It is not that a person cannot change some, it is just that someone cannot change their core values or lessons that they hold onto. Some things just don’t change because that person is too far gone.

That is not necessarily a bad thing in some cases. People that are in undesirable situations, to say the least, can still hold onto their sense of self. But most of the time we see the example of changelessness in worthless people. But I guess that is fine, we need those people or else there would be no definition of worth in a person. Without failure you cannot have success. Hmm… weird to think about…..(not really)

Other than the rant there… I haven’t been up to much, I have a D in my history class (incomplete assignments) probably doesn’t have anything to do with the constant blogging during this hour ‘,: l                  I am still sooo ready to get 175 miles away from here… it will be nice to meet new people. I am excited about college and all that it has to offer. I am still shaky on whether or not I want to be an engineer but it will be cool I guess. Hahaha… that’s probably not a good idea but I will figure it out, I always seem to one way or another. Of course doing that also started my famous line “I’m workin’ on it” because I am always getting into things that I probably shouldn’t be but I make it work somehow. :D it will be interesting to say the least. Well I guess that’s all that I got for today… or maybe not… hmm…

GOTS TO GO!!!!!!!!!!

hello there...

Huh… well, I’m not sure what to say here. I feel like blogging but I’m not sure what to talk about. I had to make a trip to my mom’s last night that I was not expecting… that was fun… still pissed about that one. I’m not gonna go into that one right now… mainly because I don’t know some of the people who read this… which is weird… why do people read this? It is just me talking about random stuff on the internet. It is cool that people are reading it, I am not trying to run you all off but it is just a little odd to me. I mean I could barely stand to read my friends blogs without feeling weird and bored… That’s why I stopped… bah…  I’m listening to Seether… that isn’t something that I would do after 2010… they only have like three songs that are any good… hmm, there were a lot of dots in that last sentence… but I feel that they were and are still appropriate. I also don’t believe in rewriting things like this. It is supposed to be my thoughts on the internet and that’s what you’re gonna get… Yeah so back to blogs, if you guys could like tell me why you read this stuff then I would be interested to hear it. Mainly for funsies but I have some sincere interest toward this, mainly because I don’t get it.

Then again that is not a new subject for me. There are a lot of things that go down that I do not understand in the slightest. Not just here in school but everywhere, it is all a lot to try to comprehend. People give you advice but it doesn’t always help because it is from a window view… (scowl) hmm, oh well. I am ready for college to start now. That will be so nice to just go to a new place and meet new people and not have to worry about all of the bullshit that happens around here. If I don’t like what people from here are saying I can just hang up the phone. It will be revolutionary. Basically when I leave, anyone who is not my friend is getting a huge middle finger from me for the rest of my life. I do not want to deal with these people ever again. Not to say that I wont make small talk with them if I have to but I am not going to go out of my way to try and “keep in touch with them”. I am only going to hang out with my friends and family. And even then, if I get tired of any of them, I am like 150 miles away from everyone and don’t have to listen to them or their problems. It should be good stuff. Well that is all that I got because class is about to end and Im gonna get some food. :D

BYE EVERYONE…… (for now)……